Robert Denton will be giving a 90 minute presention on ASR-KEY Therapy at the Conference of the Institute for the Advanced Studies for Health on the 7th September 2008 at Doubletrees Hotel, San Francisco. For more information go to www.nlpiash.org Stress, Cancer and spontaneous healing is covered in a new book called Activating Spontaneous Healing by Robert P. Denton. The book is now available in E-Book form and is expected to be released in paperback format during the autumn of 2008. Information about ‘Activating Spontaneous Healing’ and ordering can be found at www.asr-key.ch/announcements.
Stress – If It Hurts Is It Love?
Last week I went to see my bank manager but for unforseen reasons he was not there. Instead I was greeted by a smart young man, who was well informed, polite and who had a touch of old world charm and respect. He was intelligent, flexible and found a way to accommodate my every demand. No doubt you will want to know what bank this is and to whom was I talking however, I will come to that later.
During the course of our meeting it is natural that we needed to get to know each other. He asked me about my work as a life trainer, personal coach and ASR-KEY Therapy coaching for stress, overwhelm, burnout. As our conversation took more time than intended it was necessary to conclude our business after lunch.
As soon as I arrived in the afternoon the first thing the young manager asked was, can love relationships cause harmful stress? If ever one word could paint a picture he had just spoken a thousand words. His face showed the pain that was causing him considerable stress. The story was clear and he was plainly asking for help albeit discreetly and telepathically. Emotionally he was transferring the feeling of his pain.
I got the picture and needed some more detail in order to point him in the right direction. I note as follows what happened without any fear of indiscretion and that is why I cannot mention the identity of the bank. I note this story because it is a familiar one that affects both personal and professional lives. Sadly too often too many people suffer unnecessarily or for the wrong reasons.
For the sake of ease I will call this young man George. George had a close relationship with a beautiful young woman who I will call Maria. George is intelligent, he knows what he wants and has a sensitivity. This emotional sensitivity is quite common in many young men. Unfortunately they are mostly taught to hide it rather than recognise and take charge of it. They are for this reason prone to being hurt. George explained how he and Maria had been more than close for well over a year. They saw each other on a daily basis. It seemed that Maria was committed to the relationship and at the same time she was apparently experimenting. George was clearly naturally polite and fearful of offending anyone especially Maria, so he covered his hurt feelings also tried to ignore his mounting anguish and emotions.
George’s pain was in the hurtful things that maria would say without apparently any understanding of the meaning to George or consequences of her words or actions. George said nothing and kept his hurt in silence. One day George decided that despite their apparent love and attraction for each other their cultural, home and education differences were probably the reason for Maria’s behaviour and his pain. What was beginning to awaken in him was the question was this really love?
He took the bull by the horns and decided that to continue with the relationship meant more suffering for him. He was not getting what he needed in a relationship and and on top he was suffering. George broke off the relationship. Following that it is natural that he felt guilty, troubled and unsure. By chance they met at an evening out at a theatre. They chatted politely and eventually Maria went off with her friends and George felt terrible seeing her leave without him. Had he made a regrettable mistake? Now he really was hurting inside.
Talking with George I asked him about his feeling that he had already explained concerning the gulf of awareness between himself and Maria. I also asked him about his thoughts about whether their relationship was really love. George realised from listening to his own answers to these questions that he had made the right assessment. Though tough, he knew the decision he had taken was the most appropriate action for his own balance and happiness.
Clearly George’s stress was lifting as we spoke, even so he explained that he still had the emotional pain that had not gone away. Well to Life coaches and NLP Therapists this is a common problem and there are many methods to neutralise or delete the emotional memory and therefore the pain. Together George and I worked through a process of elimination that took just a few minutes. After which George took a deep breath , let out a long sigh and his smile shone through him again, his eyes lit up and he was happy and confident once more. Gearge called me few days later to say thank you, also that he felt so much more relaxed and his stress had eased quite naturally.
The above story is a classic example of how hurt emotions, assumptions, limiting beliefs and formiliar but unhelpful behaviours take control of personal balance, harmony, confidence, motivation and much more. However neither Maria nor George were totally culpable, while each played their part and had responsibilities. Maria was not clear what she wanted. She was experimenting with life and with George. She was playing emotional games that George was not equiped to handle. She was harder than George and her values were not clear and certainly she may have had a love for George but she was not in love.
For George’s part, he knew what he wanted, he was disciplined, discreet, loving and caring. Perhaps this was attractive and at the same time too much for Maria to cope with. While these are admirable qualtities unfortunately or may be fortunately, George has neither yet learnt the importance of respectfully asserting his feelings nor the complexities of the mind games that women are prone to playing, especially when maturing and particularly when unsure of themselves and what they want in life.
I say fortunately because this relationship was clearly a learning process for them both. George had woken up to the fact that for him the couple was painful and any future in the same style of relationship would be even more hurtful and stressful. For a while he was being the victim and doing nothing about it. This had the result that emotionally he was suffering also his stress levels were climbing fast. Furthermore, Maria was possibly learning that she could say or do anything without taking any of the consequences. Possibly she also realised that she could play with Georges emotions and that gave her a feeling of power over him. If so this had or certainly would have lead to a lack of respect for George.
Although the details of the story may be different from others, most similar stressful situations develop because of a fear to stand up, speak up and air feelings, emotions and points of view. I have a considerable experience of life and have learnt these same lessons somewhere along the way. So it is with due regard and consideration that I understand how easy it is to get caught in a trap at work or in a relationship. The fear of an argument with a loved one, a work coleauge or a superior, for the sake of clearing the air and self assertion is a high price to pay and a very slippery slope. However as in the case of George and Maria despite George’s worst fears it eventually came unstuck and by his own choice and his own action. He knew what was right, even so it still hurt emotionally and yes, there is now a gap in his life.
The same applies in the work environment, failing to stand up to the office bully and express feelings and opinions can cause unpleasant problems including mounting stress. Office bullies only exist because of their strategy to hide their own doubts, fears and incompetency. Once people stand up to them in the correct manner they are exposed. They themselves know their own vulnerability and that is why they build a substantial self protective defence and support group. Such people build their power base by deminishing other peoples confidence. The solution is to analise them, their strategies and protective structure also their Achilles heel. Then you have the key to dismantling their secure base and their destructive power. Watch the film ‘The Pelican Brief’ with Julia Roberts and Denzel Washington to see how these strategies work.
As George found that when doing this there is always a price to pay, certainly to start with. Self doubt will invariably try to creep in, also in taking a leading or leader position it is important to follow through and that takes thought, focus, planning and leadership and guts. For most who just want to get on with their job in peace, this is not easy. However, do this and the rewards are a thousand fold more than the price or investment paid in the beginning for standing your ground. If successful do not expect it to stop there. There will be further ramifications, new challenges also aventually greater rewards.
Stress at home or work can really mount to enormous levels sometimes leading to burnout. It is not everyone that wants to be a leader or has the leadership to mobilise support to bring down a corrupting or damaging situation. This delima raises a number of options. Attack and risk getting burnt. Accept the situation and avoid getting in the line of fire. Join forces with the corrupting element and pay whatever the price demanded and always knowing that one day you will eventually be found out. Then there is a final choice fraught with its own emotional problems. It is what George decided to do. Take action and change your environment. Be prepared for difficulties and take the responsability for your actions. If need be set up your support person or support group in advance.
This is difficult for many people because it has connotations of running away. Nonetheless, the stress of staying put or enduring something you know to be bad, corrosive or even evil is dangerous for your health. Also it is bad for your immune system, life balance, happiness, family, career and personal development.
Yes, repeatedly changing jobs or relationships because there are relationship difficulties, is perhaps not a good thing and indicates personal discipline and other problems. However staying put and suffering as the victim is also another form of running away. It is running away from the responsibility to care for yourself
Stress and stress management is a personal matter. The emotional connotations are all to do with personal or inner leadership. Deciding what you want and then finding how best to achieve it is your inner motivator. Planning the best support you need to do that is your success strategy. Therefore managing and reducing stress all start by analysing and changing oneself rather than analysing and shifting the blame on anyone else.
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For information about a telephone consultation on stress and burnout contact robertpaul at: info@asr-key.ch
I strongly advise self determination, inner leadership and self help, stress, overwhelm and burnout are far from simple. Therefore external help, guidance and support is important. I have been through the most serious long term stress and devastating burnout myself. This is no bla-bla training from the classroom rather real time experience plus years of study to understand what happened, why and how to start a new life.
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For more articles on stress go to www.robertpaul.wordpress.com For more information on stress support go to robertpaul at www.asr-key.ch
Other connected articles or posts at robertpaul.wordpress.com
STRESS – IF IT HURTS IS IT LOVE?
‘MORE DEADLY THAN FEAR’
‘RECOVERY FROM STRESS, OVERWHELM AND BURNOUT’
‘ROGUE TRADERS BLAME IT ON CORTISOL’
‘STRESS IS TO BURNOUT AS L.G. IS TO RECOVERY’
‘BEWARE FRIDAY AND THE SEEDS OF DISASTER’
‘MAKING MISTAKES IS NO GOOD FOR YOUR BUSINESS, YOUR HEALTH OR YOUR LIFE’
‘GETTING WHAT YOU WANT’
